After two weeks in Arkansas, I’m back home trying to jump back into my life. But it’s hard. Things are different now. My Dad and I didn’t talk all the time, sometimes we let way too much time go between phone calls, but I always knew he was there.
I’ll never have that again.
I don’t know when that’s going to really sink in because right now it doesn’t seem possible that he really isn’t here anymore. My husband says that the first time I want to tell him something and realize I can’t is when it will be real. That’s how it happened with him, anyway.
Those 2 weeks were so busy, first with getting ready for the service and then with cleaning out his house and getting it ready to sell, that I didn’t really have time to dwell on it, and when it would creep into my thoughts I pushed it aside as soon as I could.
I couldn’t escape it on the plane home, though. Over and over I listened to “his” playlist, the one that I made to play at his service, and I let the tears come. All. The. Way. Home.
My Dad left me with some gifts that I will always treasure. I can’t put them on a shelf or assign a dollar value to them. The value of these gifts lives in my heart.
I spent some quality time with my sister. We are almost 9 years apart, which sometimes seems like a whole other generation. We’ve never had a lot in common and honestly haven’t been as close as we could have been over the years. I think all that is forever changed after this time together. We really got to know each other better and, despite the circumstances, enjoyed being together. I’m grateful for that time.
I got to know my aunt, whom I’ve never had the opportunity to get to know before. I really, really enjoyed her company. Not only was she a tremendous help with all of the things we had to get done in a short time, but she’s a great person and I’m so glad I had this chance to know her better.
It’s hard, though. I didn’t expect the random sads to just appear out of nowhere, so it takes me by surprise each time I’m going about my business and then boom…sad.
I’ll be honest, I’m not really up to BlogHer. I’m going, but all that excited planning and shopping everyone is doing? Not happening here. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friends, but I’m not packing my schedule with things to do and places to be. I’m just going to go with whatever feels right at the time. If that means I miss the “it” party this year, I’m ok with that. I’m feeling somewhat less than sparkly anyway.
Day by day. That’s what I’m doing now. This weekend we’re taking our RV on her maiden voyage, so hopefully I get some quality chill time in. I will definitely be taking it easy because my back, that place where all my stress eventually lands, has decided it’s time for me to walk like an old lady again. Maybe the chill time this weekend will help that too.
Maybe I’ll even pick up my camera for the first time in almost a month. I haven’t even looked at the photos I shot the last camping trip, the one that ended with the phone call that my dad was dying.
There are a lot of maybes right now. I’m ok with that, because it’s all I have in me now. That will change. Soon I’ll get back into the swing of life. Right now I’m just going to be sad, and you know what? That’s ok.
Maybe is good.
Robin recently posted..Getting More Personal…..
I hope so! It’s all I have at the moment. I’m looking forward to seeing you next week
Yes it is.
I’m really glad you’re still going to Blogher so we can hug. xo
Miss Britt recently posted..My Fear of Being Wrong
Me too! I’m looking forward to that part!
I’m sorry you have to be sad, but you are and you have to experience it so you can let happiness in little by little. xoxoxoxoxo
Megan recently posted..Marbled
I know. I’m trying to be patient, and I know I’ll get there eventually.
fuck yes, feeling sad or any other way you feel is ok! i love that you know this.
when mom died i swear the hardest part was not being able to call her when i landed safely from business trips out of town. picking up that phone and just staring at it made me cry every damn time i retrieved my bags from the carousel. folks must have thought i was crazy, but i didn’t care. to this day i call one of my aunts when i land after any travel, regardless of the time.
i’m so thankful you have this rv trip coming up. hope you get to relax.
sending lots of love your way…
hello haha narf recently posted..Four Years
I’m thankful for it too. It will be nice to just hang out for a while.
Maybe is enough right now. Day by day…these first steps are so difficult but try to focus on the light, if you know what I mean. Find joy in little things. I found that helped me the most. Love you.
Karen Sugarpants recently posted..Fiction for Dummies: Bathroom Jenga
That’s what I’m trying to do. I got to snuggle with my grandbaby Sunday night and tonight I had a great time finding clothes with a perfect stranger. Both were very much welcome respites from the sad, and made me remember that it’s not always going to be this way. XOXO
So sorry to hear about your Dad. Big hugs.
Karl recently posted..What is the Sound of One Hand Clapping?
Thanks so much, Karl. Hugs are most welcome right now
Thanks for saying such nice things about an old lady – right back atcha!!!
{{Hug}}
“Old Lady” is NOT what I think of when I think of you! Thank you for being there to help me through a tough time. I appreciate that more than you can know.
As I’ve mentioned a few times since your dad died, I experienced some of what you are going when my mom died over 5 years ago (someday, I will do a blog post on my dad, who wasn’t in my life at all). Not being able to call her or send her stuff in the mail was something I missed a lot in the first year. We had gotten close her last 5 years and it was hard to deal with the loss.
They say with time, it gets easier. And for most things, it does. But the memories are still there and they came back every so often in an emotional delivery – sometimes in quiet places, which is much better than in public.
Hope the RV trip works out good.
martymankins recently posted..Music Monday: British Female Soul
You are right, unexpected things are bringing it right back. I’m hoping the tears of loss turn into small smiles of memory soon.
You are totally right! I think those two weeks changed our relationship forever, for the better. Auntie En, you were indespensible! We couldn’t have done all the work without you in the time we did, but also the emotional support was essential. Getting to know you better is something I will always treasure, just like the time spent with my sister. Even though the circumstances were kinda cruddy. Like the smoking room. “Kinda” being the operative sarcastic word!
I hope you have a good time in San Diego. Hopefully it will be a great time to just relax and take in the warmth of friendships and good speaches and panels. And if you should feel a little sparkly, so much the better!
Love you!
Weird…the system gave me an angry-looking avitar. At least it has glasses, which is the same as me. Funny things I latch on to these days!