After two weeks in Arkansas, I’m back home trying to jump back into my life. But it’s hard. Things are different now. My Dad and I didn’t talk all the time, sometimes we let way too much time go between phone calls, but I always knew he was there.
I’ll never have that again.
I don’t know when that’s going to really sink in because right now it doesn’t seem possible that he really isn’t here anymore. My husband says that the first time I want to tell him something and realize I can’t is when it will be real. That’s how it happened with him, anyway.
Those 2 weeks were so busy, first with getting ready for the service and then with cleaning out his house and getting it ready to sell, that I didn’t really have time to dwell on it, and when it would creep into my thoughts I pushed it aside as soon as I could.
I couldn’t escape it on the plane home, though. Over and over I listened to “his” playlist, the one that I made to play at his service, and I let the tears come. All. The. Way. Home.
My Dad left me with some gifts that I will always treasure. I can’t put them on a shelf or assign a dollar value to them. The value of these gifts lives in my heart.
I spent some quality time with my sister. We are almost 9 years apart, which sometimes seems like a whole other generation. We’ve never had a lot in common and honestly haven’t been as close as we could have been over the years. I think all that is forever changed after this time together. We really got to know each other better and, despite the circumstances, enjoyed being together. I’m grateful for that time.
I got to know my aunt, whom I’ve never had the opportunity to get to know before. I really, really enjoyed her company. Not only was she a tremendous help with all of the things we had to get done in a short time, but she’s a great person and I’m so glad I had this chance to know her better.
It’s hard, though. I didn’t expect the random sads to just appear out of nowhere, so it takes me by surprise each time I’m going about my business and then boom…sad.
I’ll be honest, I’m not really up to BlogHer. I’m going, but all that excited planning and shopping everyone is doing? Not happening here. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friends, but I’m not packing my schedule with things to do and places to be. I’m just going to go with whatever feels right at the time. If that means I miss the “it” party this year, I’m ok with that. I’m feeling somewhat less than sparkly anyway.
Day by day. That’s what I’m doing now. This weekend we’re taking our RV on her maiden voyage, so hopefully I get some quality chill time in. I will definitely be taking it easy because my back, that place where all my stress eventually lands, has decided it’s time for me to walk like an old lady again. Maybe the chill time this weekend will help that too.
Maybe I’ll even pick up my camera for the first time in almost a month. I haven’t even looked at the photos I shot the last camping trip, the one that ended with the phone call that my dad was dying.
There are a lot of maybes right now. I’m ok with that, because it’s all I have in me now. That will change. Soon I’ll get back into the swing of life. Right now I’m just going to be sad, and you know what? That’s ok.