Most of my life, all of my adult life, I’ve had a weight problem. I am someone who really enjoys food. Food tastes good. Good food makes you feel good. Making good food for people you love makes you feel even better.
I was never a binge eater, I ate for comfort – good or bad. Have a bad day? I bet some nachos would make that better. Get promoted at work? Let’s celebrate! With cake! Break up with your boyfriend? This calls for booze AND cheeseburgers. And probably ice cream. With cookies.
Ok that sounds like a binge, but it wasn’t. I am a quality over quantity person. I make hugely bad but very tasty and comforting choices in not necessarily huge amounts.
Afterward I would feel better, whatever ailed me having been successfully buried under soothing fat grams and delicious calories. I could go on with my life, I just had to buy bigger pants.
But I am not without willpower. In fact, I have mad willpower skills when it comes to dieting and exercise. In the last 15 years I’ve lost huge amounts of weight, and I’ve done it in different ways. I have taken pills, I have Jenny Craiged, I have Weight Watchered, I have quite literally run my ass off, I’ve been in televised weight loss programs Biggest Loser style. I have been very successful at every one except Jenny Craig because have you tasted her food? Just no.
Over the course of my adult life I’ve lost enough weight to make an entire obese man over six feet tall. I’m not lazy, and I’m far from weak.
I’ve also sought out numerous therapists to try to get around the comfort food issue. Why was I driven to soothe all of life’s hurts with food? I had no traumatic childhood to point to, or anything else for that matter. Is this an adult children of alcoholics thing? And how do I break that cycle? No one had answers for me, so I stumbled around in the dark trying to fix myself.
One therapist actually said to me “when you feel like eating, just drink a glass of water instead.” Really? I’m so glad you spent all that time in school to become an addiction therapist. What, exactly, do you say to someone trying to quit heroin? Another one tried to get me to find religion.
Every time I lost weight I would hang out at a normal weight for a little while, and then it would start creeping back, slowly at first, but eventually fully and with friends. I would end up heavier than when I started. It seems that either I live on the edge of hunger at all times or I gain weight.
Over the years all this up and down action, along with the body chemistry changes that happen when you cross over that line of morbid obesity, has done a number on my hormones and metabolism. My body no longer even considers losing weight without extreme motivation – like dangerously low calorie intake and an exercise addiction. And I can do that…for a while, but no one can maintain that indefinitely and eventually I fail. And I feel like a failure, which if you’re a comfort eater is a vicious cycle.
After my Dad died my sister and I had to clean up his house, empty it and get it ready to sell. Scattered all over his once beautiful house was the evidence of the addictions that wrecked his body and made him old before his time. He was only 67 when he died, but he had the body of someone much, much older. It was obvious that he’d stopped caring for himself quite a while before we knew he was seriously ill, and that he’d been self-medicating for a very long time. When you live all the way across the country from the people who love you, it’s easy to hide these things.
I remember several different occasions when he quit drinking. He could go years at a time sometimes. Eventually, though, he would start drinking again. Like me, he started slow, limiting himself to only beer or wine. The condition of his house when he died made it obvious there were no limits at the end, and I still wonder what pushed him to that point. I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter. It was enough to remind me that we were very much alike. We were both passionate and artistic and people of extremes. And we both had a monkey on our back, they were just different. I wasn’t going to drink myself to death, but if I didn’t take action I was going to end up in an early grave myself. I refuse to go out that way.
On January 30 of this year I had Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery.
I am not ready to give up this fight.
I am not ready to resign myself to a (shortened) lifetime of Lane Bryant and being afraid to fly because what if I don’t fit in the seat and knee pain and foot pain and back pain and swollen legs and being short of breath climbing stairs and not being able to keep up with my very active and physically fit husband. My future included heart disease and Type 2 diabetes and seriously diminished capacity for anything fun. I wasn’t sick yet, but it was only a matter of time.
And that’s not the way I want my story to end.
But I couldn’t do it by myself anymore. No amount of willpower was going to overcome the metabolic changes that had taken place after years of obesity and yo-yo dieting, and isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results? I needed something else, and it needed to be powerful enough to break the cycle.
I told only the people closest to me about the decision I had made, and I got understandably mixed reactions. Some were glad I had made a decision that made my health a priority.
Some were very concerned for my safety, both immediately and long-term because everyone knows of someone who has had a bad outcome with this kind of surgery and they were, quite understandably, afraid for me. I did the best I could to reassure them that I was making an informed decision, and answered any and all questions they had because my intent was never to worry the people who care about me.
And then there were those who mentioned that this type of surgery might be cheating. As if weight loss and good health was a game, and that the only respectable way to go about it is the good old-fashioned “hard way.” I don’t even try to talk to those people about it because they hang on very tightly to their prejudices about obesity and weight loss surgery, and I have neither the energy nor the desire to open closed minds.
I made a conscious choice to not talk about it here, in part because of the third group of people. I didn’t know if I wanted to deal with the troll behavior that tends to come out of the woodwork when this subject comes up. I also didn’t want to turn this into a weight loss surgery blog, and that would have happened had I started talking about this in the beginning when it was consuming my life. And then talking about it here opens it up to just about everyone in my life, and I wasn’t ready for people to be watching every morsel I put in my mouth like some kind of sideshow.
So I waited until it changed from a new experience to my new normal; for a time when other parts of my life moved back into top priority, and how I eat and the number of vitamins I take is just a thing that I do.
And then I waited some more to see if I wanted to deal with the people who will tell me I took the “easy” way out.
It turns out that, after everything I’ve been through both with the surgery and everything else lately, that I have zero fucks to give for haters. They can hate…I rollin.
In point of fact, it’s true that it’s easier to lose weight when you alter your body so that you can only eat small amounts of food, and of that food you do eat, you only absorb a portion of the nutrients. That is a definite true fact.
In six months I have gone from a BMI of 44.8 to 33. Still considered obese, but I’m just on the cusp of being merely overweight, and it’s a short trip from there to a normal body weight. I am less than halfway through the “honeymoon” period where most weight loss surgery (WLS) patients lose 80% of their excess body fat, and I am more than halfway to my goal. So yes, surgery makes weight loss much easier.
But would I call this the easy way out? Not for a minute.
The entire process both leading up to surgery and in the first months after is arduous, and there are parts of it I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Right now my hair is falling out in handfuls. That’s temporary. Speaking of handfuls, that’s how I’ll take vitamins for the rest of my life – by the handful – because while the caloric malabsorption part of this surgery is temporary (the 12-18 month “honeymoon” period), the nutritional malabsorption part is permanent. I can’t ever take certain types of medication again, which will really suck if I develop arthritis. If I eat the wrong thing I end up barfing up my guts in the Whole Foods parking lot. There are a lot of consequences to WLS, and the only one that’s easy is the actual weight loss.
It doesn’t even make maintaining the weight loss easy. Because my stomach will never hold the amount of food I used to be able to eat, and I don’t have to deal with the almost constant hunger I had before surgery, I have an advantage. But there are ways around all of that and it’s surprisingly easy for people who have gone through all of this to gain weight back. So maintenance? Requires serious lifestyle changes, therapy, is totally on me and not easy at all. Can I do it? I am doing everything I can to stack the deck in my favor.
So. There you have it.
Because I know I laid a bombshell right on ya with this Magnum Opus, and because I love each and every one of my six readers, I am glad to answer any and all questions you want to leave in the comments or email me about anything dealing with this subject. Just how many vitamins do I take in a day? What do I eat? Are there things I can never eat again? There’s a lot of misinformation and stigma and prejudice out there about the kind of people who have surgery in order to lose weight, and the whole process in general, and if I can dispel a little of that then it’s worth laying all of this out there.
Originally, when I first considered posting about this, I was going to remind people that since I pay for this space I get to decide what kind of comments stay or go, but now I think it will be interesting to see what actually happens. I have some pretty firmly defined boundaries regarding what I’m willing to internalize from the opinions and thoughts of people who aren’t me, and I’m the kind of believer in humanity that claps for Tinkerbell and still thinks the Internet has a soul. I think I’ll be ok.
I couldn’t be more proud of you and more happy for your ability and persistence to go after what YOU want. F*** the haters, and the doubters and only allow those who have your back to, um well, have your back. There is a pretty cool transformation that takes place when we finally grow up, we realize that it is OUR life to live and we get to make the decisions that will bring us happiness.
I LOVE watching your transformation. Your not merely shedding lbs and the fear of too soon, your shedding your own shadows and stepping into this beautiful sunshine world that you created!
So glad you’re finally ready to share your story! Mmmuuuaaaahhhh!
LOVE LOVE LOVE your face off!
~SB
It’s pretty liberating when you finally realize that nope, you really DON’T give a shit what negative people think because ultimately the only person you are accountable to for your own happiness is you.
I love love love yer face off too and am so glad to have you in my corner.
I am so glad you posted about this. XOXO
Robin recently posted..Playing Catch-Up
I thought long and hard about it. It didn’t feel right to post some kind of “hey look how much weight I’ve lost” thing without full disclosure, but I’m a pretty private person so it took me a while to get there.
My cousin was obese and had diabetes and high blood pressure and felt horrible all the time. She had the surgery, lost all the weight and her life changed. It’s been several years and she has no regrets. She now runs regularly and can take care of her active little grand babies. No judgment here, my friend. Keep Rollin’!
I’m so glad for your cousin! I love to hear stories like that. My blood sugar had started to creep up there to the danger zone too. I wasn’t diabetic yet but it was close. Now I’m a good 20 points lower and my cholesterol dropped to the basement, so I’m doing something right!
I’m so proud of how committed you are and have been to this process, and I think recent events have proven this isn’t an easy way out or a short term thing. Can’t wait to see updated photos!!
Miss Britt recently posted..Happiness Highlights: Win an Amazon Gift Card
Stress has always been the thing to knock me off track before. Luckily now I have a good therapist and different coping mechanisms in place.
I’ll post some pics soon!
Wow Lisa! First off, GOOD FOR YOU! I am a strong believer that people should do whatever is right for them, in every aspect of our lives, not just weight or food or drinking or whatever! So kudos to you for taking charge of your life the way you wanted, on your terms. That takes lots of fortitude. Love you lots and I’m glad you’re happy with your decision – that’s how it should be. I wish you a happy, healthy recovery as you adjust, and once that 12-18 months is up, I wish you a lifetime of health as well.
xoxoxo
Karen Sugarpants recently posted..Where’s My Labia?
Thanks Karen! I agree that everyone needs to follow the path that’s right for them, and this has been the best thing I’ve ever done. I finally feel good! Even my bum knee is happier with me, and I am able to run again now that I’m significantly lighter. I know you know you know how I feel about running and what it does for me because we share that, so you can imagine how it feels to have that back in my life.
I do know how you feel about running & I’m right there with you! Been following your progress – you’re doing wonderfully. xo
Karen Sugarpants recently posted..Where’s My Labia?
While my working out and losing weight issues are nothing more than me being in my late 40′s and not keeping up with my exercise and diet regimin, I do know the many times of rebooting myself and making efforts to lose what i can gained back in a matter of months and years. Trying to make it stick each time is never easy and the lifestyle change it takes to do that can be hard to stick to when a cheeseburger or chocolate pudding calls out your name.
I think what you did for yourself is a positive step towards trying to be healthy. You see the similarity of your father in yourself and want the change and the chance to extend your life. And as you explained, there are other reasons, but for the most part, I get why you did the surgery and I think it takes a lot of strength within yourself to go through this.
As with all of my friends that I’ve gained through the blogisphere, I give my support to you in taking your life and doing what you can to make it good. Looking forward to more updates on your progress.
As for a question, what are some types of foods that you cannot eat anymore after the WLS?
martymankins recently posted..Music Monday: Cloudless
Lifestyle changes are never easy, no matter what kind they are. That was part of the reason I chose the type of surgery I did. I knew that something that didn’t give me negative reinforcement when I made a bad choice would not be as likely to succeed long term for me. I don’t like to feel bad, so I avoid things that make me feel bad and I don’t go back to them later to test whether I can handle it further down the line. It’s funny, now that I feel really good and energized most of the time, it’s easier to make those choices because feeling bad seems more pronounced. Before I felt bad a lot, so eating fried things or rich things that made me feel not so great wasn’t as noticeable.
I’ll write a post answering the questions from the comments and address the food one then. It’s too much to fit in a comment!
As someone who is post-menopausal and has been trying to lose the same 10 pounds since she hit menopause, I get the frustration.
I, too, am a believer in doing what works for you. And I’m glad you decided to take action, no matter how drastic it may seem. I do worry about the changes you must make because I know it can be difficult to get used to, but we are amazing creatures in that we can adapt. I know when I started eating six meals a day it seemed like such a burden, but I rarely think about it anymore.
My lingering concern for you is swapping of addictions. Mitch’s aunt had WLS (don’t know which type) and then ended up with a pill problem. I’ve heard of gambling addictions, etc. after this surgery. Is that what the therapy is supposed to help avoid?
I love you tons and am so proud of you for making this leap. I can’t wait to see the new you! xoxo
Megan recently posted..20 Questions (Or More)
Some of the changes I’ve had to make are pretty easy because they’re negatively reinforced when I go astray. Some are not as easy, because no one pokes me with a stick if I don’t exercise. At this point, though, everything is pretty ingrained. I’m in a new groove. Interestingly, the thing I’ve struggled with the most is getting all my supplements and protein in. The one I’m concerned with long term is exercising, because that’s historically where I slack off, but like everyone else I just have to keep at it.
I’ll address the therapy and addiction transfer questions in a separate post with the questions so I don’t blow up the comments
Lisa, you are incredible!! Every thing you do, you do with such passion it’s enviable. Great post and I’m so happy for you and for your health! We all love you
Thank you! I love you guys too
As a fellow loser/gainer I’m so glad you told your story. And I agree…it’s never easy…no matter the method one uses to get to the goal. Congratulations!
Thank you! Hopefully more people will tell their stories and help dispel some of the stereotypes about obesity.
FUCK those guys! No, seriously: I’m all Furious George over the thought that narrow-minded, judgemental people kept you quiet.
First off, I’m proud of you for doing what you felt was best for *YOUR* (not the haters) health. Way to go on the loss – that’s awesome! And I’m SO friggin fraggin PROUD of you for telling your story.
So much love, lady.
xoxo
Awww I love you hard, Chibs! I’m all done being intimidated by haters!
Good for you. Best wishes.
Thank you!
You are such an inspiration to me! Not necessarily to follow exactly in your footsteps but just to get me thinking. Reading the beginning of your story sure could be my story as well. I’ve been fat all my life and eat just like you did. I am so pleased that you did what YOU wanted, when YOU were ready to do it! We are more alike than you realize, I HATE being judged too. Some can just shake it off but I avoid putting myself in a position to be judged and it sounds like you do too. But blogging about this took just as much courage as having the surgery! Life is so much better when we don’t care what others think about how we live our lives. I mean we’ll always care to a degree but to just try pleasing ourselves instead of striving for approval from others.
Whoever said you were taking the easy way out is an idiot! Surgery is NEVER easy. Just preparing yourself mentally for it is one thing but recovering and maintenance is another. PLEASE. I can’t handle that type of ignorance either. The person is either jealous or has never been overweight. In either case, they should lose their right to voice an opinion! The people who love you (including me) will love you fat, thin, with or without surgery. We just want you to be happy. You’ve given yourself the chance for many more years of a healthy, full life!
I’ve known a few people who had WLS but would never compare their immediate or lasting results to yours. Everyone’s body is different and everyone recovers at a different rate in a different way. Just pay attention to your body and the signs it gives you (which I know you’re doing) and you’ll be fine.
I would love to see before and after pictures if you ever feel brave enough to show them.
Chrisor recently posted..Another One Rides The Bus
It’s always tough to talk about your weaknesses, but I really have developed an “I don’t care what people think” attitude and it’s served me well. And I’ve been through enough, so much more than the judger ever will realize, that it doesn’t matter. I know the truth.
I’ll post some progress pictures soon. My “before” pictures are really awful, though, totally aside from how I look. The setting and lighting is terrible and I have a hard time putting those out there because GAH! Ugly pics of myself wouldn’t bother me to put up but bad photos give me hives! But I will. Soon. Ish.
Very proud of you! Also, I admire you so much for your level headedness and resolve that I’m not worried for one minute about this decision of yours. If you think it’s the right thing to do, then so do I. XOXO
Thank you! Your support means a lot to me.