Who Finally Published a Life List?

March 25, 2012 By 24 Comments

I have resisted making a Life List because it seemed like a list of things I need to do before I die to feel like I’ve lived a fulfilled life, and since I already feel fulfilled that seemed pointless. My friend Britt made me see a Life List in a different way – as a reminder to dream courageously. That sounds like a way better idea than a bucket list to me, especially since some of my items don’t seem “bucket list worthy.” I’m all about doing courageous things, great and small.

Right now it seems like a small list, but I plan on adding to it hopefully as I cross some things off.

  1. Take singing lessons. I am quite horrible at singing, but I love it so. I don’t want to be on American Idol, in fact that seems like one of my worst nightmares, I’d just like to be less horrible.
  2. Skydive – Most of my life I thought skydiving seemed like  the most ridiculous thing anyone could ever do with an airplane, but now I kind of really want to do it. Midlife crisis? Maybe. Does it matter? Not in the slightest.
  3. Complete a triathlon – I’ve wanted to do this for a while. I have no need to complete an Ironman, but I would like to at least finish a sprint distance triathlon.
  4. Run the Warrior Dash – Come on, doesn’t that just look fun? I love stuff like that.
  5. Make a quilt – This one is actually in progress. I bought a fancy sewing machine for myself and started taking a class, and I’m enjoying the process. Hopefully I’ll enjoy the result as well!
  6. Learn to make soap – I love handmade soaps. Plus, I’ll have a skill when the zombies invade.
  7. Take a cruise – This is just one of those things that sounds fun. Preferably to somewhere warm because being cold is bullshit.
  8. Run a half-marathon – I love running. I don’t know that I want to push myself to complete a full marathon, but a half will satisfy my need to run big races. I think I’d like to do this one. Hopefully my knee agrees since I’m probably another surgery away from running again.
  9. Sell photos to someone who doesn’t know me – Everyone needs validation, this is mine.
  10. Visit Ireland – With a birthday on St. Patrick’s Day I don’t think this one needs any further explanation.
  11. Photograph the Aurora Borealis – That’s just cool.
  12. Visit Yosemite – It’s so close to me and yet I’ve never visited. I’d like to spend a good amount of time hiking and taking photographs.

So that’s it for this installment of my Life List. I’m going to give the list it’s own page and update it as I think of more things.

What’s on your list?

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

In Which I Talk About What I Don’t Talk About

October 12, 2011 By 12 Comments

 It’s Megan again. Still writing…

My son has a disability. How long did it take me to be able to say that? I can’t remember; it’s been so long now it’s become normal.  Wait… did you even know I had a son? Or that he has Cerebral Palsy? There’s a good chance you didn’t until just this minute because I don’t talk about it much. Not because I’m ashamed. Not at all.

 I don’t talk about it because if I talk about other things I can think about other things and this thing that is there every minute of every day, the thing that drives the bulk of my days, will fade to the background for a while.

 There is more to me than being the parent of a child with special needs, but sometimes I have trouble finding that. What the doctors and medical professionals don’t tell you when they pass on the information that something is wrong with your child is what that means for you. They’ll tell you what it might mean for your child. They’ll lay out specific challenges and the mights and might-nots. But they won’t tell you this: Your life has changed more profoundly than you expected it would when you saw those two lines on that pregnancy test.

 That day came almost 13 years ago, when Mitch and I sat with our six-month-old on the floor in the carrier between us, being told that our son would probably never play professional sports but that he’d probably walk and here’s an article on a little girl who had half her brain removed when she was six and now she’s doing amazing in school so that should make you feel better.

 It didn’t.

 I was in a daze for weeks, but I got through it. And then the harder part began. Therapy three or more days a week, a whole slew of specialists to see, working with Mack at home to try to give him the best start. I worked full-time from home then, so I spent my days getting tasks done in between therapy appointments, meals and at least a half an hour a day of therapy homework. When I was laid off from that job, I went on one interview before I realized that there was no way I could work outside of my house. No day care would take a 3-year-old who couldn’t walk and wasn’t fully potty-trained. And who would take him to physical therapy? And occupational therapy? And speech therapy? And the growing list of doctors?

 Over the years things have changed. Mack finally took his first steps at three-and-a-half, eventually he learned to dress himself, put on his shoes, brush his teeth. But still, to this day, my world revolves around his. I work only part-time because he still has therapy and doctors and now he has braces and new issues he didn’t have a few years ago. In the afternoons I help him with his math homework because he’s got some type of learning disability or something that makes him struggle in this area. He can get himself a snack usually, but sometimes he needs help opening a container. His seizure medication needs to be doled out into a pill case so he can access it as the online pharmacy will not grant our request for non-child safe bottles. Outfits need to be checked to make sure zippers are pulled up, waistbands aren’t hopelessly twisted. Shoes have to checked to be sure the no-tie laces are pulled tightly enough. He is becoming more independent, but slowly. So slowly.

 There is insurance to wrangle, benefits to confirm, referrals and approvals to garner. There tests to schedule and follow-up appointments to make and attend. It is a full-time job, one that I’ve done day in and day out for coming up on 13 years.

I do not complain; there is nothing to complain about. It is what it is.  He’s my child,  I love him, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a full, healthy and independent life. And I know how much worse it could be. He will be independent. Not every parent of a child with his condition can say that. He is smart and articulate and funny. I am lucky.

 But I hope you will forgive me if I don’t care to talk about it.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Itchy Fingers

October 3, 2011 By 14 Comments

This post isn’t by Lisa. I’m Megan, and the lovely Lisa has been kind and generous enough to offer her space to me once in a while as I try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. If you feel so inclined, come visit my photo blog, One Thousand Words (Or More) and take a peaceful moment to yourself. Thank you for reading, and thank you to Lisa for being a friend. xo

It’s been almost a year since I shut down my personal blog and started a photo blog. I did it because I was burnt out, frustrated by lack of feedback from readers. Writing didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere and I couldn’t figure out a magic formula for picking things up, so I decided to focus my energy elsewhere. And while it’s been a good thing overall, the longer I’ve been away from writing the more I realize how much a part of me it really is.

At first it was a relief, not having to find something to say about something. Eventually, though, I would feel an ache inside when I read something someone else had written. I could feel myself seethe with envy when a writer got a comment complimenting their writing. I began to feel like I was sitting up in the nosebleed seats while my friends were sitting front and center.

I miss writing.

I miss sitting down at the computer, closing my eyes and letting my fingers race over the keyboard, words flowing from them almost as if they were there, waiting to be captured. Being in that zone is as natural to me as breathing and just as important.

But while my soul was lamenting its lack of outlet, my brain was resolute. I needed a break. The ideas weren’t coming and the frustration was building and other things in my life were requiring my time and energy. I tamped down my unrest and kept going.

Until I couldn’t anymore. I had to stop denying myself something that is a basic part of my being. I’ve been writing for work, but that is work and not quite the same as writing for the sake of writing, saying what I want to say how I need to say it and not giving a damn about selling soap.

So I’m here, relieving my itchy fingers temporarily until my feet find a direction that calls to them. I’m contemplating some things, but right now a new blog is not one of them. There’s too much noise, and I don’t want to feel as if I’m not being heard again. I don’t want to let something I love become a chore again. I can’t.

But I miss writing.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , ,

I Can See Clearly Now

August 22, 2011 By 27 Comments

So hey, it’s been a while.

I’ve been busy. It’s summer, and for once in a really long time I’m actually taking the time to have a summer.

It’s glorious!

See, for as long as I can remember during my working life I’ve been one of those people who doesn’t really take time off. I didn’t see the point because the things that stressed me out would still be there when I got back, only there’d be more of them because they would pile up while I was gone and I’d be more stressed because I was catching up on the stress I missed while I was on vacation.

And really, who needs that?

It turns out I was wrong.

Yes, Mom, write it down. I admitted it.

I WAS WRONG. You’re welcome.

It turns out that taking the time to unplug on a regular basis makes the stress a lot easier to take.

Before my dad died I was a stressed out hot mess clutching brand-new Xanax and Buspar prescriptions and questioning whether I was starting early menopause, what with the mood swings and the shakes and the heart palpitations. And the tears. Oh the tears.

I am generally not someone who goes through these things outside of being preggers, and I can assure that is most definitely not the case, so it was kind of a shock to deal with ALL of it all of a sudden.

Then I went to Arkansas to be with my dad when he died, and things changed somewhat in my head. At first when I got home I was even more of a mess with the crying at inopportune times and not being able to decide what I wanted to eat for dinner let alone make big decisions. Gradually, though, I’ve made adjustments in my thinking because I realized some important things.

Enjoy your life now.

That whole work hard now so you can enjoy retirement mentality is bullshit. My dad was a mere year into retirement when he died. Judging by his health when I got there, there wasn’t a whole lot of retirement enjoyment going on there.

I think it’s a false promise we make to ourselves that if we sacrifice now we’ll be rewarded in our golden years with travels and endless free time. There’s a big difference between financially planning so that you don’t have to eat cat food when you retire, or worse, not get to retire at all, and putting all of your “this is when I will enjoy my life” eggs in the retirement basket.

So instead of plugging away in the office all summer while everyone else takes a vacation, and then resenting that they’re gone and I’m not (how weird is that – no one said I couldn’t go but me) I’ve been leaving work at work and taking time off.

We bought an RV and headed to the mountains for a weekend. We broke the shit out of it, but no one got seriously hurt, and we had a lot of beers and laughs and good times with family and met a whole bunch of new potential friends.

And he says he can't catch fish...

The stress was still there when I got back, but it was a little easier to take.

I went to a blogging conference and didn’t camp out in the hotel room the whole time like I thought I might, I actually hung out with my friends. I soaked up the healing energy of girlfriend time. I loved up on my “esteem team” as one friend called it and I put faces on people I previously only knew as Twitter handles. I came home refreshed and energized in a way that only girlfriend time can do.

The stress was still here when I got home, but it was yet a little more easy to take.

We took the RV to the coast. We camped at the beach and visited a brewery and drank great beers and ate the most wonderful clam chowder. We walked on the beach and made camping ice cream and my marshmallow fell into the fire. Even though Google maps tried to kill us by sending us down a logging road that isn’t even on regular maps it’s that steep and narrow and OMG WTF does California have against guardrails we didn’t actually die and our brakes didn’t catch on fire even though they smelled like flames were shooting out of them. And at the end? We got to see this.

And when I got back the stress was still there, but it was a lot easier to take.

We’re already planning our next getaway.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

One Day at a Time

July 26, 2011 By 18 Comments

After two weeks in Arkansas, I’m back home trying to jump back into my life. But it’s hard. Things are different now. My Dad and I didn’t talk all the time, sometimes we let way too much time go between phone calls, but I always knew he was there.

I’ll never have that again.

I don’t know when that’s going to really sink in because right now it doesn’t seem possible that he really isn’t here anymore. My husband says that the first time I want to tell him something and realize I can’t is when it will be real. That’s how it happened with him, anyway.

Those 2 weeks were so busy, first with getting ready for the service and then with cleaning out his house and getting it ready to sell, that I didn’t really have time to dwell on it, and when it would creep into my thoughts I pushed it aside as soon as I could.

I couldn’t escape it on the plane home, though. Over and over I listened to “his” playlist, the one that I made to play at his service, and I let the tears come. All. The. Way. Home.

My Dad left me with some gifts that I will always treasure. I can’t put them on a shelf or assign a dollar value to them. The value of these gifts lives in my heart.

I spent some quality time with my sister. We are almost 9 years apart, which sometimes seems like a whole other generation. We’ve never had a lot in common and honestly haven’t been as close as we could have been over the years. I think all that is forever changed after this time together. We really got to know each other better and, despite the circumstances, enjoyed being together. I’m grateful for that time.

I got to know my aunt, whom I’ve never had the opportunity to get to know before. I really, really enjoyed her company. Not only was she a tremendous help with all of the things we  had to get done in a short time, but she’s a great person and I’m so glad I had this chance to know her better.

It’s hard, though. I didn’t expect the random sads to just appear out of nowhere, so it takes me by surprise each time I’m going about my business and then boom…sad.

I’ll be honest, I’m not really up to BlogHer. I’m going, but all that excited planning and shopping everyone is doing? Not happening here. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friends, but I’m not packing my schedule with things to do and places to be. I’m just going to go with whatever feels right at the time. If that means I miss the “it” party this year, I’m ok with that. I’m feeling somewhat less than sparkly anyway.

Day by day. That’s what I’m doing now. This weekend we’re taking our RV on her maiden voyage, so hopefully I get some quality chill time in. I will definitely be taking it easy because my back, that place where all my stress eventually lands, has decided it’s time for me to walk like an old lady again. Maybe the chill time this weekend will help that too.

Maybe I’ll even pick up my camera for the first time in almost a month. I haven’t even looked at the photos I shot the last camping trip, the one that ended with the phone call that my dad was dying.

There are a lot of maybes right now. I’m ok with that, because it’s all I have in me now. That will change. Soon I’ll get back into the swing of life. Right now I’m just going to be sad, and you know what? That’s ok.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Goodbye

July 10, 2011 By 9 Comments

Dear Dad

 I am told we are very much alike, you and I. I’ve discovered that people usually mean stubborn when they say that, but I know that we share many other traits. You gave me a love of art and books, a huge appreciation of music, and even a flair for the dramatic, although I’m sure you would tell me I got that from my mother.

 I won’t ask why you didn’t give me your blond hair – it’s fine, I went out and got my own.

 If our relationship had a Facebook status it would be “it’s complicated.” But then what father-daughter relationship isn’t.  But no matter how long it was between phone calls or how far apart the visits, I never doubted that you loved me. I always knew that you were proud of me.  We understood each other, better than probably anyone else could, because we were the same – in many ways that were good and some that were not so good.  It took me many years to realize that I wasn’t the misfit I always thought I was, because there was someone out there who was just like me.

 People tell me how much they respected you. I am learning so much about how many lives you’ve impacted. You have left a legacy of learning for so many, and have made a real difference in the lives you’ve touched. I’m so proud of you for that. I know what it meant to you to be able to affect change, even if you had to rock a few boats to do it.

 When I remember my Dad, though, I’m going to remember the Daniel who laughed like joy was exploding. I’m going to remember late nights talking until 3 in the morning about everything and nothing. And I’m going to remember the love. It wasn’t always easy, sometimes it was downright messy, but it was always, always there.

 Thank you for that, Dad.

 I love you right back.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , ,

Build Me Up, Buttercup, Don’t Break My Heart

June 30, 2011 By 6 Comments

We’re heading for the hills this weekend!

My husband is currently engaged in a rousing game of Jeep Tetris as he struggles to fit all of our camping gear, two adults and two dogs (and one of each of those gets carsick) into a Jeep Liberty. This is why I choose to do the shopping and the prep work, because now while he swears and packs and unpacks and repacks 47 times I can sit here knowing my part is done. At least for now.

Getting away is something we don’t do that often anymore. Vacations are expensive, and it’s hard to get a large enough chunk of time off together to make it worth the cost. And then you have that whole vacation obligation thing where you’re in this place and you spent all this money to get there and you feel a moral imperative to get the most bang for your vacation dollar, so you run around seeing everything and doing everything and tasting everything until you fall down dead from exhaustion.

That, my friends, is bullshit.

But you can’t really unplug if you stay home. Staycations have their place and I love them, but I always end up checking work emails and doing laundry and things that just aren’t about unplugging and recharging my batteries versus my BlackBerry’s batteries.

Do you know where you can’t check work emails? In the forest. I can’t plug my BlackBerry into a tree and charge it up, so even if I get the jones I’m going to be pretty limited. Plus I plan on leaving it home, so there’s that.

We also made a commitment to getting away for smaller chunks of time more often today. We bought an RV. That’s right Clark, an ARRRVEEEE.

There are people out there right now shaking their heads and wondering who I have become because I’m quite possibly the last person you expect to be RV shopping, especially after talking about the austerity measures I’ve been undertaking recently, but austerity and saving and being responsible adults only gets you so far. And quite honestly some of what it gets you is a whole big ole ball of stress.

There are times you need to invest in yourself and your well-being.

My husband and I, we are summer people. We watch the calendar and count the days until Winter is over. We live to be outdoors. We thrive on sunshine and blue skies and 90* weather. That is what recharges our batteries.

Camping is fun for us, but Jeep Tetris is not. We don’t do it because it is such a giant royal pain in the ass. It’s a Broadway-worthy production just to get on the road, so it’s easier to just stay home. And watch TV. And maybe run the weed-wacker if it’s not busted again. And our batteries stay low and sluggish, and they might even leak that creepy ooze stuff.

There are many that say RV camping isn’t camping. And you know what – that’s your opinion. It’s just a different kind of camping. It’s one where I can throw some food in the trailer and some clean underwear and hit the road Friday night after work. Easy peasy. Easy peasy makes it a heck of a lot more likely that it will happen more than once every six years, which is what we’re dealing with now, and really that’s what’s important. Getting out there and doing it.

If we want to go on a hike we can use the RV as a base camp and still take our packs and a tent and hoof it to a nice river for a night. Or we can just sleep in a little more comfort because dammit I’m not getting any younger and sleeping on the ground is much better suited to people who don’t snap, crackle, and pop when they walk.

Since my husband won’t let me name the new trailer Princess Banana Fanna Bobanna Roseann Roseanna Danna, she still needs a name. Feel free to chime in. Here is a link to an identical model to what we bought since ours isn’t here yet, if that helps with the naming process. Before you ask, he also vetoed Beauregard. I’m leaning toward Buttercup myself, even with the decided lack of yellowness.

Buttercup is a state of mind.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life

In Memoriam: Puppy Monster

June 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , ,

Welcome!

June 17, 2011 By 9 Comments

Welcome to my new home on the internet! I’m so happy to see you!

Remember when you were a kid and forty seemed so far away and so old? Ok, remember when you were thirty and forty seemed so far away and so old? It turns out it’s not.

I looked around one day and suddenly I was in my forties and I remembered that my family tends to live into their eighties, which meant I was right smack in the middle of what I always expected my lifespan to be and I figured out that holy shit I am officially middle aged.

After I picked myself up off the floor my first thought was that being middle aged doesn’t look at all like I expected it would.

I can’t actually say what I expected middle age to look like on me, but I think I can safely say that this isn’t it.

What does ellemmess mean?

It’s me. It’s my initials L – M – S. Choosing a domain name is hard, yo.

So What is This Blog About?

This blog is about life as a forty-something, navigating new territory like empty-nesting and grandmotherhood and the stuff you never expected and the really cool experience of being settled in yourself and knowing who you are.

The frantic twenties are over.

The rocking thirties are in my past.

Forty is here, and let me tell you, forty is what twenty wants to be: liberating and confident and secure.

What will you see here?

You’ll see something from everything I’m into.

I dig photography in a big way, so you’ll see a lot of that. In the near future you will even have the opportunity to purchase photos. (Does that sound douchey to you or is that just in my head?)

I have also been known to make cakes. You might see some of that too.

I like to cook, and sometimes it even works out, so you’ll definitely see some of that.

I’m always working on my fitness in one way or another, and misery loves company, so you’ll definitely hear about that.

The rest? Well the rest is just me. The crazy, goofy, sometimes serious and sometimes irreverent things that I do.

The archives are all here. Hopefully they even all work! I hope you like what you see. The feed subscription is right up there…at the top…on the right. I look forward to spending quality time here.

I promise not to an habitual comment whore, but I’d love to know that you made it over. Please leave me a note to say hi!

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , ,

Oh Look! It’s Saturday! Or the post where she uses the word “awesome” approximately 47 times.

June 4, 2011 By 11 Comments

Because I’m slightly tipsy and have some catching up to do – bullets!

Photos: I’ve been putting stuff up on my photo blog again lately. I’m having so much fun with my camera, and I’m really learning a lot. This is one of my favorites lately. But then I really like this one too. This one reminds me of Tonka toys. And this one was just plain fun. I have big plans to do more with my photos, so stay tuned. Meanwhile, I’ll still be posting them here and there. And everywhere.

It’s a Girl Thing: If you follow me on Twitter you know I’ve been working on building a Girl Cave. It’s done and it’s AWESOME. What is a girl cave? Well mainly it’s a space all my own for the first time in a really long time. Something as awesome as a Girl Cave deserves it’s own post, so I’ll just give you a sneak peakIs that not THE most rad girly chair ever? I love that chair.

Grandson: Most everyone knows by now that I have a grandson. If you didn’t, hey guess what? I have a grandson! He is…well, he’s the kind of awesome that is beyond words, which is why I haven’t written about his arrival. I find that I’m still not ready to write about it, and I don’t really know why, but it probably has to do with the same reasons I didn’t tell very many people about it beforehand. It’s personal. It’s private. It seems like something I want to keep very close to my heart for right now. I know there were hurt feelings because I didn’t share with, well, hardly anyone, and I’m sorry for that. The hurt feelings part, I mean, because that’s never my intent. The not sharing part was my choice, though. Sometime soon I’ll be ready to share and everyone will be all shut up already!

TeeVee: We canceled cable over six months ago in a fit of “this shit is too expensive” and honestly, I don’t miss it all that much. I can get my fix on Netflix and Hulu. My husband, however, does miss it. He gave it a good six months, but he’s over it. Since we live in the back of beyond, not to mention in a bowl surrounded by mountains, we don’t get much in the way of “antenna” service on the digital tuner. We took advantage of Memorial Day sales last weekend and bought the World’s Comfiest Couch, so it kind of seems like a moral obligation to have cable TV at that point. After DirecTV made me insane with their bait and switch, stick me on permahold and tell me to “trust them” bullshit I decided to go with Dish Network because it worked ok for us before. Monday morning between 8:00 and noon I will be back among the monthly cable bill paying peoples of the world, still with mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Have a great weekend everyone! Mine is going to include a LOT of margaritas, a metric fuckton of homemade (for the first time in my house) hummus, and artichokes as big as my head. Oh and there will be baby head sniffing. Oh yes, there will.

Do that sharing thing:
Filed Under: This Crazy Life Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts